Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
