i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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