she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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