Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
