I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
We need a shit load of segways right now
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
