The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
