I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
