Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
