dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Randomize
