I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
