Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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