Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Randomize
