Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
