Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
