our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
pray to the hookup gods
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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