I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
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he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
