Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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