I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
