My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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