that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
