yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
