I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
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