two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
