well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
