Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
if you force a hooker to have sex with you and dont pay her would it be rape or theft? something to ponder
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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