There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
