I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
