I puked a lego.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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