Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Randomize
