did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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