every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
