You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Drake has all the answers
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
