I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
