Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
They are going to name an STD after you.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
