There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
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