just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
That reminds me...we need to get swords
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
