I just threw up on my dentist
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
