I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
