I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
