when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
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