i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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