the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
