I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
