wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Randomize
