while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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