I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
