a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
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