i used baking grease as lip gloss
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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