I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
