I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
