if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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