Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
