Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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